cny alone

its first day of chinese new year .
last nite i had a hard crying time , cried out with all my strength and by the time the clock strike twelve i should stop all the crying for us.
give snowy an ang bao with her favourite treats inside , had a hard time taking a nice pic using the hp camera, too bad the camera i was used to wasnt with me anymore.really wanted to take a nice picture to let him see cos his the one who got notti the treats , but things wasnt always what i thought it was . i felt that i am the noise , giving people trouble and see and reply the messaged. bad me .

its the 1st day of cny and yet i received a sentences which wasnt reedeemed. its was said will send a sms after i am finished with this game. mayb once the whole thing was finished it was already too late and dun want to send , or its just forgotten as it wasnt in the mind..
i doubt .. yet i slept very well .. cos i had a tough time crying out my lungs earlier .

morning !
i thought i will be prepared to face everyone with all the qns ..
went to grandma place , finally after so many years we were the 1st to arrive at her place. wahahaha its strange . its so different from the past. half pass twelve , more people arrived. same goes to the pizza. sitting there drinking my soup,didnt felt like eating so asked a bowl of soup from granny.. gosh ! i thought i swear to myself i cant cry non drop a ties on cny as not to destory others cny , “be upset alone dun drag everyone to sad with u , dun b selfish” .

granny finally pop the qns ,where’s him , how come he nv go her hse ,told her the truth , but she insist to put the red angbao for him with me and she gave a signature cartoon smile of hers to me ,
[ how shld i make her believe ? i ask myself ..]
then again was drinking my soup silently, until aunt h came ,

aunt : where’s he ?
mute : we’r broke up.
aunt :wat happen?
mute : needs to go work…
aunt : his a good man , why like tat? cant save it?

at that moment , my eyes were red ,the heat was on my eyes, a beautiful droplet of mine drip into the bowl of soup .
je shouted to stop her from asking further while i ran into the bathroom. je was worried ever since she stepped into the grannys hse.i struggle to stop all the little droplets from coming out. once when i am calmed and recover , aunt surprised me with this hug and her cute tummy..and it got worst for me..suddenly her mama nature was out “stop it today cny no crying “
its rather comforting but she really ………………

my cousins all knew it , and they really wanted to try hard consoling.wanted me to take up classes with them to occupy my time , n joker kept saying i am finally free to start doing audition for other man’s and said ! dun worry i have many friends need a gf ! O SHIT WTH ! he nv fail to change the suitation thx all

soon after everyone finished lunch . granny places turn into a gamble den as always , its the habbit for all of us…. haha hands were trembling cos the bets on the table were like $40 over dollars per game and me n uncle v were the banker.. stress.. but hengz we had the best luck.. after the whole stressful gambling ..
proudly to say .. hahah i wont a week of makan money..

went kfc for dinner .. didnt ate much just few pop corn chicken , i guessed i disappoint je and gege w/o noticing .. the portion i ate just made them unhappy. went for movie at engwah .finally this year we got the rite time and rite movie . 15 of us a family got the last 3 entire row in the threater..watch fann wongs movie.”ah long pte ltd” movie was so so few parts were funny only , doesnt really worth it to watch on a weekend . whole movie was in cantonese and hokkien , suits mama and grandma the most..:)

i really had the urge wanting to hug him , but its not gonna happened no matter wat anymore , when i am silent ,the images just appear ,and its missing of him in me again.but sometimes its only me that i felt i cant let it go while him just wanted trying so badly to let go of and moved as fast as he could .i am still in great pain .. but its cny and independent …
i start to wonder ..
wats the feeling after been electrical cardioversion ?
will the heart still be in pain after it ?